Equity and Expertise in All Things Footlong
Subway abandons scruples with three feet of sinful delights.
Good morning, all. I’m feeling a bit under the weather. God has punished me for sinful proclivities in the form of a virus. I know what you’re thinking; did it originate in Wuhan, China? As far as I know, it did not, but you never know in 2024.
Things are as topsy-turvy as they’ve ever been. Don’t cry for me. I’ll be back on my feet in no time with a healthy cocktail of powdered rhino horn and shark fin soup.
In the meantime, please enjoy a piece I wrote recently in The Haven on Medium. You may or may not have seen Subway recently dropped their new Sidekicks menu and, in the process, have refreshingly dropped the charade of pretending their food is good for you.
My reasons for writing this piece came from a quote from Subway’s North American President, Douglas Fry. In a turn of phrase I couldn’t pass up, Doug uttered the words, “…equity and expertise in all things footlong.” Something about that hit me hard and ranked up there with one of my favorite quotes.
I thought it was chilling and one of the best examples I’ve ever seen of someone so assured of their place in the world that they believe they can say anything they want and no one will push back. While I don’t have a platform worthy of Doug’s attention, I thought, at the very least, I could share my thoughts on it.
So, without further ado, please enjoy “Equity and Expertise in All Things Footlong.”
Before I begin, here’s a quick impression.
I know it’s difficult to nail down the essence of someone via text, but I’ll give it a shot.
Here’s my impression of Subway’s marketing director on July 7th, 2015:
(Holding a phone to his ear)
“Hello? Yes, this is Subway’s marketing director. Whoa, whoa, slow down. What? Haha, no, it sounded like you said pedo…oh my god.”
I hate to start this off with a niche impression done in poor taste, but we’re talking about Subway, and poor taste has been their calling card for some time now.
There was a time when Subway reigned supreme in the fast food world, or “quality food served with haste.” It was my go-to lunch in high school, and bringing Subway into the cafeteria immediately gave me status.
We all know about the highly publicized…ahem…falling out with their former spokesman who shant be named. They also faced scrutiny when Ireland’s Supreme Court ruled their bread wasn’t bread due to the overwhelming sugar content.
For a while, it seemed like Subway couldn’t stop shooting themselves in the foot; that is, until now.
Recently, in a move so bold that Bill Cosby called it “offensive,” Subway introduced the world to their new Sidekicks menu in a press release on January 18th, 2024.
In the most exciting collaboration since Depp and Heard, Subway joined forces with Auntie Anne’s Pretzels and Cinnabon to bring you three new menu items that are sure to challenge your notions of what still passes for food.
Now, when you order from Subway, you’ll have the option to supplement your sandwich with a footlong churro for two dollars, a footlong pretzel (with cheese sauce for dunking, you little piggy) for three dollars, or twelve inches of chocolate chip cookie for only five dollars.
For a measly ten bucks, you can have all three. No one is stopping you. That’s three feet of treats so delectable you’ll wonder why you’re always short of breath.
“The introduction of Sidekicks builds on six decades of equity and expertise in all things footlong,” said President of Subway North America, Douglas Fry.
The introduction of the new Sidekicks menu not only “…offers Subway fans something they can’t get anywhere else and kicks off a year of culinary innovation and delicious new menu items,” as Fry continues, but it signals a refreshing pivot from pretending that Subway might be good for you.
When multi-billion dollar companies drop the veil and, without any apprehension, roll out something like a twelve-inch churro for two dollars, they show just how much your well-being means to them:
Nothing.
And I happen to find this encouraging.
How long has Subway tried to gaslight the world into thinking their “food” is good for you? Remember the fat guy who walked to Subway every day for a Veggie Delight, lost a lot of weight, became a household name, and turned out to be one of the most revolting people in modern history?
How much better would it have been if we knew who he was off the bat instead of him lying to us for fifteen years?
Sure, Subway’s been feeding us garbage in their restaurants and ad campaigns for a long time, but at least now they’ve removed the mask and revealed the twisted visage of Naamah, the devil seductress of the sandwich industry.
Naamah, a beast so exquisitely vile, wears the skull of Jared Fogle as her crown, and her four poison breasts produce the ingredients for the footlong chocolate chip cookie.
A quick search of Subway’s nutrition page reveals the footlong chocolate chip cookie to have 1330 calories, 101 grams of sugar, and for good measure, 100 grams of added sugar. If that’s not the ultimate bang for five bucks, I don’t know what is.
So, Subway, I’d like to be the first to thank you for your new Sidekicks menu. Whether you know it or not, you’ve finally done something honest. No longer will we be bombarded with bullshit telling us to “Eat Fresh.” If only our political class and media would also shed the facade and be as forthright about their intentions to poison us.
That’s the world I want to live in—a world where we put it all out there. A world of equity and expertise in all things footlong.
This is freaking hilarious. And disgusting.