Good Monday.
Real good.
Hey, Monday, you’re doing so good.
You may or may not have noticed that there was no issue of GNM last week. I do hope that my negligence didn’t disrupt your week to the point of catastrophe.
There’s actually a story behind why there was no newsletter last week, and something tells me you aren’t going to like it.
Here goes…
This will be the last issue of Good News Monday.
I want to thank everyone who read what I have to say over the last eighteen months. It’s been a heck of a ride, but after what happened last week, the universe is telling me it’s time to move on.
So, long story short, I was sitting in a coffee shop last Monday, preparing to crank out what was sure to be one of my finest issues of this newsletter.
It was about allegories, spring break, and The Lorax (The Dr. Seuss character who speaks for the trees), and I had an idea of how to weave all those elements together into a coherent and poignant piece of writing.
The next thing I knew, Kevin, the local junkie who likes to pop into the coffee shop to scream, defecate, and cause mischief, showed up for one of his bi-monthly visits.
I saw the staff collectively roll their eyes as they were unprepared for Kevin's arrival. It was obvious that they were entirely over his shenanigans.
I happen to find Kevin charming. Over the years, I’ve listened to many of his rants and found some contain golden nuggets of street wisdom.
“I do the drugs. I don’t let the drugs do me. Ass walrus.”
-Kevin
I’m not sure what “ass walrus” means, but I understood the part about the drugs. While it’s clear Kevin always lets the drugs do him, Kevin still feels like he has agency in his life. I admire that.
Kevin convinced himself that he retains some semblance of control in a universe ping-ponging us around the infinite void with no rhyme or reason. As they say, ignorance is bliss, and Kevin isn’t about to let chaos get him down. Ass walrus indeed, my friend.
Anyway, Kevin stumbles into the coffee shop, spouting nonsense and making the customers uncomfortable. Par for the course, but then he ran into the video poker room (yes, this coffee shop also has video poker), took off his pants, and ran back into the shop waving his thing around.
Typically, I’d find this hilarious, as I saw a gutter punk and a capuchin monkey do the exact same thing. It doesn’t make it right, and both times, I laughed hysterically, but not this time.
This time, I looked directly at Kevin’s muddy genitals and realized the universe was telling me something.
I’ve written before about stopping to listen to the cosmos instead of filling your head with noisy distractions. In a society designed to max out our attention so the lizard elites can carry out their nefarious schemes, it isn’t easy to pause long enough to listen and be aware of the signs creation puts in front of us.
In my case, existence gave me a sign and wrapped it in the inexplicably grimy privates of a street philosopher. As I lost myself in the hypnotic motion created by his hip thrusts, a quote popped into my head that I couldn’t ignore:
“There’s a difference between quitting and knowing when you’re beat.”
-Cormac McCarthy
In the never-ending moments between Kevin’s penile rotations, I thought about what I’ve written in my life and the moments laid bare for all to see. Stories of heartbreak, humiliation, drunken shenanigans, substance abuse, failure, failure, and more failure.
Since I started writing online, I’ve shared over two hundred essays. Still, I’m no closer to success as every weekday morning, I have to crawl out of bed, put on khakis, and go to a job where not only am I emotionally abused but integral to a system designed to break me.
Well, it’s safe to say that I’m broken, and I cannot continue to share anything with you as I have nothing left to say. I hope that you got something out of Good News Monday, and even if you didn’t, I appreciate you not leaving a flaming bag of dog poo next to my truck.
The manager burst from the kitchen and tackled Kevin just as he was about to manipulate his member into the shape of a giraffe and dragged him outside.
The present rushed in, and I was again afloat in the river of linear time, rushing at breakneck speed toward uncertainty and inevitable death.
I closed my laptop, deciding to heed the advice so graciously given by forces unknown. I left the coffee shop and stepped into the bright light of the afternoon. The manager had his knee on Kevin’s back and the Sheriff’s department on the phone.
Kevin struggled under the weight of the manager. I felt his pain as if it were mine. I placed my hand on his sweaty back. He felt like a slimy dolphin gasping for his last breaths. Through my hands, I telepathically transmitted my thanks for being the fleshy conduit for my personal growth and giving me the strength to call it a day.
So, to you, I’d love to say, “Until next time,” but I can’t. Farewell, my friends. It’s been a nice run of Mondays. Be kind to yourself.
Lastly,
April Fools.
PHEW!!! My heart was racing, I felt sweat bead on my upper lip... I didn't know how I was gonna make it through my weeks for a minute there. Until I got to the punchline! You got me, Barbor!