Good Monday to you all. I mean that more than I’ve ever meant it because if you pay attention to YouTube videos, this might be one of our last days on Earth.
I’d like to preface this by saying I hope I’m wrong and often am. I’m mature enough to admit that. When the pandemic started, I thought the government would drop the veil of pretending like they care about us and release the kill drones, but, to their credit, they didn’t.
I thought P. Diddy was a genuinely lovely guy. If not for him, my favorite rapper of all time, The Notorious B.I.G., would have rotted away in jail for slinging crack rock. His 1997 tribute to Biggie after he died moved me to tears despite his atrocious dancing. “Mo Money Mo Problems” was an all-time jam, and I thought Diddy was a good dude.
I was wrong.
Today, around lunchtime, there will be an eclipse. Since we’re not cavepeople, we won’t start clubbing one another in an attempt to appease the Sun God. We’ve evolved enough to have little glasses to witness this rare event safely.
Sadly, the public school system doesn’t think children have the common sense not to stare directly at the sun. Many schools in the area are either dismissing early so the kids can retreat to the safety of their homes or coming up with convoluted plans to shield them from accidentally burning out their retinas.
I think the whole thing is laughable, and if a kid needs to be told more than once not to look into the sun, they might be destined for blindness.
But back to the point, this eclipse has the internet on fire with theories about what this event means and the possible ramifications. This could be a sign from God that the end of days is near.
The cynical part of me wonders why God needs to be so theatrical with this information, but if I were God, I have to imagine I’d be the same way.
This might get a little fringe, so bear with me.
In Matthew Chapter 12, verse 38, Jesus said, “A wicked and adulterous generation asks for a sign! But none will be given it except the sign of the prophet Jonah.”
Then, in Luke 17, verse 26, Jesus said, “Just as it was in the days of Noah, so also will it be in the days of the Son of Man.”
But what does this have to do with the eclipse? I’m glad you asked.
The path the eclipse is taking today will literally pass over the towns of Jonah, Texas, Rapture, Indiana, and the site of the Ark, built as a tourist attraction in Williamston, Kentucky.
It will also pass over seven U.S. cities named Nineveh. If you slept through Bible class or went to a heathen school run by Satan, Nineveh was a city of great wickedness, where God sent Jonah to preach and convince them to repent.
What’s even creepier is that in 2017, the last total solar eclipse, the path went over seven cities named Salem, and according to this blonde girl sitting in her car outside a Trader Joe’s on YouTube, Salem is short for Jerusalem.
Whoa.
Biblical scholars worldwide point to today’s eclipse as a sign from God that our days are numbered and a cataclysm on par with Noah’s flood is on the way.
I don’t know if I buy that because my high school’s resident theologian and lower school librarian told us rainbows symbolize God’s promise never to flood the Earth again.
Of course, she was a closeted lesbian whose husband was a regular at Baton Rouge’s premier gentleman’s club, so who knows if that’s accurate.
I thought this was a bunch of malarkey until a friend pointed out the existence of the New Madrid fault line.
I was under the impression that we simple, God-fearing folk in the Deep South had nothing to worry about regarding earthquakes, but I was wrong yet again.
The New Madrid fault line lies deep under Tennessee, Arkansas, and Missouri. It last popped off in 1811, and according to my friend, it was so violent that the Mississippi River flowed in the opposite direction.
The eclipse’s path looks like it’s going to pass directly over the fault line, and while “scientists” say eclipses have no impact on geological events, they’ve never cruised the streets of Baton Rouge in a Mitsubishi Eclipse with an unhinged cheerleader bumping 3-6 Mafia’s “Slob on my Nob” so loudly that the ground shakes.
Guess what also happened in 1811?
A solar eclipse.
3-6 Mafia - 666 - Mitsubishi Eclipse - think about it.
Everything is connected.
There’s a significant chance this eclipse will peacefully block out the sun and move on, leaving us to the comings and goings of another dull Monday. People love to speculate about the end of the world. They’ve been doing it since we developed language and will continue to do so until they’re proven right.
When 2012 rolled around, everyone started believing in the Aztecs’ doomsday prophecies. Back then, I was in a toxic relationship I couldn’t figure my way out of and secretly hoped they were right, as that would give me an easy out, but 2012 came and went, and that girl eventually released me from her clutches.
If this is the end, I’d like to go out on a note of gratitude. I’m thankful for the time I’ve had, the friends I’ve made, and the burritos I’ve eaten.
I hope this apocalypse leads to something good and the generations who survive the fires, famine, floods, and roving gangs of cannibalistic teenagers telepathically controlled by a godless clown king rebuild society and learn from our mistakes.
Take care of yourselves.
Until next time…
Maybe.